how to be miserable as a professional musician: a ten-step guide
1. Regard your skill set with self-satisfaction -- as rounded, complete, and impeccable.
2. Imagine that your tiny corner of the world of music is the world of music.
3. Treat the grubby commercial aspects of the profession -- poring over contracts, comparing the fine points of different distribution platforms, self-promotion -- as the province of "the suits."
4. Treat the grubby menial/muscle aspects of the profession -- driving and repairing vans, hauling gear, arguing with promoters, delivering grinning Gene-Kelly-like performances under punishing or humiliating conditions -- as the province of someone else, someone less creative and fragile than yourself.
5. Forget that anyone before you who tried to make a living in the fine arts faced any difficulties. Or that that anyone around you working in more profitable professions (lawyers, engineers, postal workers) ever made any sacrifices.
6. Imagine that the well-known saying "No matter what line of work you're in, you're always a salesman and a bill collector" (thanks to my friend Jordan for teaching me this well-known saying) is suspended for musicians.
7. Imagine that the usual consequences of exploitative sex -- social ostracism if you use it to advance your career, chlamydia if you use it as a giveaway for fans -- are suspended for social-norm-smashing and hormonally-overburdened musicians. In fact, go ahead and sleep with anyone.
8. Resent people with no discernible skill and much discernible money.
9. Take no time to reflect on who you are, what you do well, and how best to present this to strangers -- just do whatever comes to you, which is by definition art, seeing as you are an artist and all.
10. Never forget that all your failures are the doings of a conspiracy of soulless profiteers and knaves, while all of your successes were owed you.
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21 comments
I love it. Bravo!
I've always been taken aback by the idolatry that too many people have for favored musicians, and I remain baffled at how some performers see themselves on some sort of rarefied plane of artistic exceptionalism simply because they've had some success (artistic and/or financial).
I'm an annoying asshole and you may discount my worthless opinion if you like, but Robbie is such a gentleman that it amazes me. He can exude disdain from his post show people-greeting pores and he handles me with icy cold tongs, but you know, his manners are impeccable and it doesn't even hurt while he's doing it. He's human enough to hug and artist enough to fawn over and furthermore he's a sure thing. Never hit or miss with him. No precious idiocy. Okay, so the tour page used to suck, but people, has he ever canceled a show? Thrown a tantrum? Been so "off" you wanted your money back? He answers his mail for crissakes. What kind of weird shit does he ask for in his rider? Exactly.
I don't want to listen to people in scarves blathering about art. And I don't want to listen to artistes feel sorry for themselves (face it you're a --pick one-- slut, drunk, big sweaty baby).
Yes, bravo to you, Long Tall & Irksome.
Self-awareness might make you miserable at times, but it means you don't get complacent, which, artistically is a good thing.
Re: Number 8. - Also resent people who are just lucky. Resent people even more who are not only just lucky, but who think that they have paid their dues and possess talent.
"I'm an annoying asshole and you may discount my worthless opinion"
Finally Tara posts something that everyone can agree with!
This list rules.
Re Nick's comment: assholes who were born on third base and think they hit a triple, right? (Quoted from Jim Hightower, Texas political type, I believe.)
I'm not sure why many of us have that compulsion to interact with our musical heroes, when given a chance, but also to expect them to treat us like buddies...and often, we're disappointed when they don't. It's truly ridiculous, and unfair, but I've caught myself going through exactly that thought process. I think it's mostly human curiosity, you know, what is this person I admire really like? But that's not the way it works.
As far as Robbie is concerned, I've chatted with him a couple of times, and he has always been gracious. Thanks for your patience.
I am going to admit I'm a bit confused with Annette's comment. Are you referring to Nick's above comment? If so, I don't think Nick was saying anything about Robbie. I think he was agreeing with Robbie's list and adding one of his own, since Nick is a touring musician.
Re: Professional struggles and self-pity: My brother passed on an aphorism from Randy Pausch ("The Last Lecture") that I think of fairly often. Pausch is describing to his mother all the humiliations and frustrations of trying to get his dissertation approved, all the strikes against him, how hard it is. She listens with much sympathy. "I'm very sorry, dear," she says, then adds, to herself, "...when Father was your age, he was fighting the Germans."
When life gives RF lemons, he adds sugar, water, ice, and vodka, hands it to you, and puts on the show. Right on.
Ha Ha! That is brilliant. And now I must go investigate your music, as I'm imagining it's brilliance already.
Sorry if I was confusing...Nick's comment about "people...who are not only just lucky, but who think that they have paid their dues and possess talent" was what I was referring to. Those are the folks who are born on third base, etc.
As a musician who virtually never practices, I confess to holding resentment for those who can play craftily arranged, thoughtful, well rehearsed songs with an adept flourish. You types (and you know who you are) make it so much harder for the rest of us.
This is so great. Welcome to New York, by the way! Let's grab a drink sometime.
Mary McBride
www.marymcbride.com
A young muso - well known to be crackers,
Learned to play the bassoon with his knackers,
He cried, "Hell it hurts, but I'll show all these jerks
Who’s the muso and who are the slackers!"
Robbie - Regarding item #8: thanks for sticking up for us!
Fondly,
Murph
Why... this sounds like the Austin Musicians' Constitution.
:)
This list made me smile...in a funny kinda way. The life of a professional musician is very blazed on a tough road and at best, is good work if you can get it. The maddening part of "the business" is that one can take the high road vis a vis all the pithy and reasonably accurate observations on this list and still end up passing around the same $50.00.
And if you are a songwriter...well, that's something else all together...that's not even show business - so yer damned if you do and damned if ya don't...if you dare.
good luck amigos...and enjoy the moments.
Gee, I'm sorry please excuse me. I thought this was the online site for Mike Huckabee bass lessons.
Nevertheless, without point number one, two thru nine probably wouldn't exist.
This is why Robbie Fulks is just as much of a musical influence to me as Merle Haggard or Bob Dylan.
This is great!! One of the things that keeps me happy is remembering this sentence:
Boo hoo you're the only one who's ever been in a band that no one's ever heard of.
That simple truth never fails to make me smile...
Hi,I'm french and I realise that only one major(I won't tell the name of)controls the "music industry" or I should say the "music factory" in France!They manipulate the audience on the radio,on tv,in magazines...So,to live as a musician is almost impossible if you're not lucky and really manageable.The most of French people had never heard good music.That's why I entirely agree with Nick Barber's comment.
Hi
I'm French too, and would quote :
"8. Resent people with no discernible skill and much discernible money."
"10. Never forget that all your failures are the doings of a conspiracy of soulless profiteers and knaves, while all of your successes were owed you."
I think it's actually easier in France than in many other countries. We still are lucky enough to get a nartistic unemployment insurance, even if difficult to get. We (musicians) should stop blaming Majors, should stop resent people. Play what people are ready to like (even if brought to them by majors)to pay your bills is the basics of the job. 'cause it's a job. There is little space to play music that few people like and pay bills with it. This has nothing to do with France or the music industry. Before any music industry existed, to be a musician was already a though job. There were just less people willing to try to make a living of it.